So my roommate told me about this movie that's kind of like a Romeo and Juliet story told within the worlds of the lycanthrope (werewolf) and the vampire, and I was intrigued.  I saw the promo trailer on Apple's website, and I thought I'd give it a shot.  Good freakin' move, GG.  When we left the theatre, he was saying, "Man, I feel like I forgot something."  I silently thought, "Yeah, you forgot we wasted $8.25 for this two-hour toilet."  I've seen worse movies, but they've been within the confines of my home, and I was able to stop them when they became lame.  I had no such option at the theatre.

    The premise behind Underworld is pretty good, actually.  The "lycans," once the slaves of the vampires, rose up to shed their shackles, and there's been a genocidal war going on between the two factions for over 600 years.  There are also some twists and turns thrown in along the way that *could* have made Underworld a decent flick, but poor acting, lack of star power and a fascination with all things cliché made it just unbearable.  One of the things I look for when going to the movies (which isn't often, given the usual drivel like this that comes out) is how many names appear before the title of the film.  This will give the viewer a sense of the star power in the movie.  With Underworld, they went from the Lakeshore Entertainment logo straight to the title.  Not a good sign.

   Lemme start off with the actors, whose names I care not to remember, for they're all doomed to second banana status for all time.  The female lead, the vampire Selene, is an obvious Carrie Anne Moss wannabe, ripping off the Trinity character with shameless abandon.  She has a penchant for long trenchcoats, dramatic entries off tall buildings, leather clothing (or pleather, I suppose, if they're environmentally conscious undead killing machines) and firearms.  The male lead, human-turned-lycan-turned-crossbreed Michael, bears a disturbing resemblance to Scott Stapp, which immediately turned me off to him.  Head lycan, Lucian, was sort of a cross between Andrea from Lacuna Coil and the dude that did the Infiniti commercials a while back.  Sort-of-head vampire, Kraven (whose name foreshadows far too much), reminded me of the cretin offspring of Jim Morrison and Glenn Danzig.  Rounding out the main characters are ebony tower of lycanthropic power, Reyes, and one of the eldest vampires, Viktor.  Seriously, no one stood out here; there was not ONE standout performance.  The only pseudo-star in the crowd was the black guy from Oceans Eleven, playing pretty much the same character, only with a darker twist, and--oh yeah--he's a vampire.  Bill Simmons, the Boston Sports Guy, himself a movie buff, would probably say something on the lines of, "Seventeen cardboard boxes would have put in better performances than these stiffs."  He'd be right.

   Underworld also suffers from an overabundance of "the same ol' thing."  Granted, there aren't too many clever ways to broach a movie anymore, but all of the action scenes were culled from "The Matrix" and every John Woo movie ever done (if you do go see this movie, I hope you like slow motion).  The dialogue is only slightly more improved than something Ed Wood would have written (the phrase, "Leave us!" was uttered to minions on *four* separate occasions).  The flowering love between vampire, Selene, and lycan, Michael, really came out of left field and had no reason to flourish at all.  The cinematography was stolen from "Interview with the Vampire."  And the climactic battle not only suffered from the fact that Michael's ultimate form made him look laughably like Lou Ferrigno-era The Incredible Hulk, but also snatched the quick slice finishing move from the kingdom of anime!  It was all I could do to not bury my head in my hands at the "climax," and think of all the more important things I could have spent my money on.  Like earwax or something.

    Paradoxically, the one cliché you'd expect to see in the movie was mostly left out: that of supernatural powers.  The intro explains that some of the werewolves have evolved enough to transform at will (without the benefit of the full moon), but the vast majority of the vampire's powers are totally overlooked.  Bit player, Erika, gets a chance to cling to the ceiling, and both sides exhibit inhuman strength, but Selene actually gets trapped in a room BECAUSE THE DOOR GOT LOCKED.  What about turning into fog/mist, or (God forbid) OPENING THE FSCKING WINDOW??!?  Instead, it takes a power outage and the ensuing "confusion" to get her out.  Nice job, immortal being.

    So now that we've established that the actors are terrible and the plot--though workable--is cliché-ridden enough to be forgotten, what's left?  Action scenes, of course!  These are all pretty good, and one of the other guys who went to the movie with us was all ga-ga over the copious use of semi- and automatic weaponry.  Lotsa rounds spent shooting at nothing in particular ("I wanna be Carrie Anne's body double" couldn't even AIM the damn things straight when shooting), big explosions, the sounds of casings hitting the floor, etc. etc. and so on.  I do have to give props for not giving all of the characters black-belt level technique in various martial arts for the movie (though they are hundreds of years old, so they could have learned it), with the hand-to-hand combat being the more random pugilence you'd expect from untrained yutzes and huge werewolves.  Lots of slashing and wildly thrown punches.  Good times all around.

   But in the end, even the action scenes aren't enough to keep this pile of refuse from stinking up the joint.  Unfortunately, I'm predicting that this will wind up being a trilogy, since the ending left an obvious opening for a sequel, plus there are *three* vampire elders introduced in the movie.  Swell.  Do yourself a favor and stay clear of "Underworld."  If you want to see a vampire movie, check out "Blood: The Last Vampire" or "Interview with the Vampire," or even "Bram Stoker's Dracula."  If you want to see a werewolf movie, look into "An American Werewolf in London" or hell, even "Teen Wolf."  I'd rather see Michael J. Fox dunk a basketball any day over this bilge.

Rating: Save Yer Money out of 10