You may file this under "No Freakin' Way!" but I am nothing if not a fan of Japanese culture. So I was totally thrilled when Azrael, creator and host of Outpost Nine and the equally hilarious and insightful “I am a Japanese English teacher” webcolumn, spared some of his time to swap emails back and forth.  Az is in the middle of his third year as a JET near Osaka, home to over 2.6 million Japanese folks and about 120,000 foreigners.  Something to note, Osakans speak a very different dialect (Kansai-ben) that what is normally spoken (Kanto-ben).  Here’s what went down in Chinatown.  My questions are in boldface.

Please give me a brief bio about yourself. The interview equivalent to an A/S/L check in a chat room. You can either use your real name or your handle. Don't matter none.

25/Lots/Japan. ...Just kidding. I'm Azrael, 25 years old, currently an assistant English teacher in Japan. Graduated with a BA in English/minor in Japanese back in 2003. I like sports, video games, and good literature--and good food (mostly of the beef variety).

How did Outpost Nine come about? Are you hosting it yourself, or are you colo-ing it out? What's your goal for the site?

Before I left for Japan, I wanted to get webspace - I figured it would be easy for storing pictures and what not, and I'd have my own email address. Since I had the webspace, I figured might as well just make a website out of it. I did, and just threw up some stuff I'd written here and there (recreationally and for various fiction writing classes).

Right now I'm getting a pretty good deal (free) on the server. I'm doing all the HTML and what not myself.

Really? All the coding? How hard was it to teach yourself that? I keep telling myself that I'm going to redesign my site, that I'm going to ditch HTML for PHP but I never seem to get around to it. I keep waiting to hear some encouragement ("Yeah, dude, totally easy!") before undertaking that project.

I dunno. I'm not that good at it. =P Some things are similar to message board codes, and since I was on MBs a lot it was easy to transition. I guess I just start basic and work my way up.

When I first started OP9, I really didn't have any goals...just threw up whatever whenever. Now that a lot of people are reading, I guess I want to keep it popular. And get a book made eventually.

A book about the JET thing, or just a collection of your works? For that matter, has anyone ever *done* a book on teaching in a foreign country? Something above and beyond culture shock would be a hoot to read, I'm sure.

Well, the teacher stuff is what's popular, so that takes precedence. If I ever got that done though, I would like to get other stuff published.

About how many emails do you get a month asking you for advice on how to land a teaching job in Japan? What do you do with most of them? I ask this mostly because I wound up writing one to you in a semi-drunken state before reading your FAQs.

More than I care for. The FAQ helped weed out a lot but I still get quite a few. I read every mail I get, but there's a lot I don't (can't) respond to. I don't respond to anything that could be answered with a simple Google search, which is a lot.

A lot of people who ask me about following in my footsteps are still only in high school...doing this kind of thing is still a LONG way away, and they could change their minds any number of times before graduation.

What got you started down the road to being a JET? Of all the people I know, only one dude would ever consider teaching in Japan, so I'm curious as to what your impetus was.

I heard about JET in one of my university Japanese classes - I wanted to go to Japan, and JET was a free plane ticket over (never mind actually having to teach kids 8 hours a day). I made up my mind like freshman year that I wanted to do JET, and although a lot of things changed before I graduated, I just never considered anything else.

I'll admit - I used to be a Japanophile. Obsessive love for the country, and by "country" I mean the anime and women.

Gee, that doesn't sound familiar at all. Change "women" to "food and music," and you've pretty much described my obsession with the country for the past 10 years or so. However, I think I was kinda lucky that it took me so long to get there because it gave my obsession to settle down a bit, even though I did geek out on damn near everything there during my vacation.

It helps to come not obsessed with the country. I don't think the obsession is healthy anyway, but if you lived here and were obsessed - at some point you would either just crash hard, or live in delusion.

I LOVE using The Matrix analogy for Japan. It works so perfectly.

Two years ago, I applied to JET and was fairly crestfallen when I didn't get accepted. Not knowing the reason for that was even worse, but that's the way it goes. As far as teaching goes, you're bouncing between three schools right now, correct? Is that pretty common for English teachers over there, or is JET the exception? What's a typical day like for you?

Yeah, three schools. It really just depends on the situation. Some people get parked at just one schools. And I've heard of people who rotate between 8 schools. But that's just JET. If you're at an eikaiwa I think you're parked.

 When you got your acceptance letter, what was the first thing you did?

I did a little dance...made a little love...had fun that night. ...No, seriously, I think my friends took me out to a Japanese restaurant or something. Which is kind of funny if you think about it. Had I known what I do now, I would have had them take me to the biggest steakhouse this side of Texas.

You were "in country" when the beef ban hit, right? Were there seriously huge lines at the gyuudon places like I'd heard about?

Possibly/probably. I don't think it was that big of a deal...most Japanese people eat fish anyway. It would be like if suddenly fish became harder to come by in America. Most people would just be like "eh, whatev".

You've obviously gained some fame or notoriety via your "I am a Japanese English teacher" column. After you leave Japan, what's the legacy you hope to have? Do you think you'll hand the reins over to someone else, or will you just let it die then and there?

I was going to just end it after my teacher job stopped, but recent developments have made me consider continuing writing, just about being foreign in Japan, which is a lot on its own. I don't know if it will be as good as before though. The kids are really the stars. The stuff they do/say/come up with...I couldn't even hope to dream that stuff up.

Have you read Amy Chavez's Japan Lite column? Is she in any way inspirational to where this is heading? Are you going to hook up with the Japan Times or something?

Never heard of it. And I'm not into journalism.

How do you like Japan? Is it still as rosy as ever, or has the luster worn off?

Oh, it wore off a long time ago. =P

I'd actually cured myself of my Japanophilia before coming over, which I'm eternally thankful for. People who are obsessed with Japan and come and live here...either they never take the rose glasses off, or reality hits them HARD, like a fish stuffed with bricks.

Japan...it's got it's good and bad parts. Same as any country. It's really, really easy to get fixated on the bad parts, but you gotta remember to appreciate the good.

That's one thing that I noticed when I was over there. I was wandering around downtown Nagoya, sipping on a bottle of green tea and just people-watching. One of the first things that popped in my head was, "This looks a whole lot like Seattle." There were no giant robots, no constantly-falling cherry blossoms or wacky adventures happening around me. Just normal folks doing normal things in a normal city. This is just speculation, but do you teaching there in the '80s would have been different than now? How much westernization have you seen since you've been there?

The only thing I really understand about the 80's was the economic bubble and free spending. I've heard some crazy stories about that. But as far as westernization...this is still a country that's isolated and ignorant about anything past it's own shores. I don't think there's been much change.

When dealing with culture shock, most folks talk about the "honeymoon phase" where everything's great; when did your honeymoon phase wear off?

It was about the start of year two for me. At that time, my ex went to America for study abroad, which was the beginning of the end of that relationship. It might have hit me sooner, but I think I relied/depended on her a bit. Like, if I had a frustrating day I could just come home and dump it off on her and I'd feel better. Of course, that relationship ended badly, so my whole second year was pretty dark.

Aside from Moeko's Owl, what have been the pinnacles of your time in Japan?

There's lots of random stuff the kids do that's not so big, but lets you know you're appreciated, which is awesome. When I broke my collarbone, some kids made get well cards, which I really appreciated. I think more than anything else, my time in class has been most precious. I've also made some good friends here.

How about the lowest moments?

The ex of course. And then having the whole fantasy of wonderful cute Japanese girls shattered. Dealing with some of the bastard kids in the Ghetto School. Some of what they've said has been downright racist/offensive (not "that-isn't-quite-as-PC-as-it-should-be” offensive, I mean pure, offensive shit), and there have been times when I've had to keep my anger in check. Dealing with a lot of Japanese ignorance, which is astounding.

Was it you who told me that teaching experience takes a back seat to psychological stability when English schools are looking for teachers?

Wasn't me, but it's sound advice. Not just being in the schools, but living and working in a land so far away and different from your own. It takes its toll.

I know a lot of those same schools say that it's not necessary for the candidates to know any Japanese before going to teach, but how valuable has that knowledge been to you?

You need Japanese. It just makes things so much easier. One of my friends here who didn't know much Japanese said he felt as if he'd been reduced to an infant.

What sort of stuff do you do to keep yourself from feeling homesick?

I have satellite TV now, which is wonderful. I dunno how I lived without it. Meeting with other foreign friends if for no reason than to rag on Japan and speak English is also key. And sometimes food too - they're a TexMex restaurant and a Mexican restaurant in Osaka we like to go to. There's also an Outback Steakhouse - expensive, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

There's another good point. I have NEVER talked to myself as much as I did when I was in Japan. Being constantly bombarded with a foreign language was more overwhelming than I thought, and being able to understand some but not all of the conversations happening around me was doubly frustrating. How is the Mexican food in Japan, anyway? Good stuff?

It's all right. It gets the job done if you're having a craving. I'd still kill for a Taco Bell though.

Is it just me, or are there the same like 20 celebrities that are on EVERY variety show on Japanese TV? I also get the feeling that these people don't actually have any sort of skills other than their ability to be on TV. It's like they're just bouncing around from one show to the other.

...Yep. You just nailed Japanese TV. ...Sigh. This is the primary reason why Japanese TV sucks so damn badly. Oh yeah, they can eat too. That's their other skill, eat on camera. Remind me to kiss my satellite TV when I get home.

But is American TV that much better? Sure there's more variety, but I heard rumours of a movie being made that's based on American Idol...and they're using actors to play the parts of the amateurs. I can't understand hiring professionals for the movie version of a show whose main attraction is the amateurish behaviour of the contestants.

It's not that American TV is great, it's that Japanese TV is offensively horrible. I don't know why TV producers aren't jailed. Seriously.

As an aside, what's a funnier sight: a punk-rocker trying to look tough on a jitensha, dudes wearing several-hundred-dollar suits and Rod Stewart's hair or any number of girls walking like wounded giraffes in their 4-inch heels?

All of it's pretty bad. I hold a special affinity for the girls though (we call them dinosaurs). I see these ridiculous girls, and then see so many guys back in America lusting after Japanese girls, and the disparity is just so wide it's hilarious. It's like Japan has convinced America that asphault is actually a delicious snack.

What's spinning in your CD player right now?

The opening theme to "Mobile Suit Gundam". The first one back in 79 or something. ...You laugh, but that tune gets in your head and stays there.

Is it one of those hopelessly bouncy pop tunes, or one of the unintentionally hilarious rock tunes? Not that I'm bashing anime music in any way--I listen to it pretty much every day-- but most of the stuff that dates back to the '80s was some serious cheez-core.

No, you need to think MUCH OLDER than that.

I'm guessing enka is somehow involved but I'll just plow forward to the next question.  Are you a music buff?

I don't think I'm a music buff...I just like what I like.

Once I get my heavy metal band up and running (which may or may not be called Grant Goodmorrow's Gussuri Metal Matsuri), can I call one of my albums "Azrael's Octopus?"

.....No.

When I was visiting my friend in Okazaki, his wife made breakfast for us (eggs, salad, some yogurt) and they busted out both mayo and ketchup. What the crap is with the Japanese fetish for these two condiments?

Wish I knew. Ketchup isn't too bad, but mayo is damn near an obsession. You will find mayo in places you never thought possible. My girlfriend was cooking dinner once, and she was like "Wow, this doesn't have any flavor..." and the FIRST thing she went for was the mayo. ...I think it was a beef stir-fry or something.

At the Japanese restaurant I worked at, we had three different types of mayo to choose from: Kraft, Kewpie (which I'm sure you're familiar with) and some sort of unholy substance called "Cheezonaise," which was a cheese-flavored mayonnaise. My boss had me mix it with kim chee and serve it as an appetizer. Speaking of food, if you owned a restaurant, what would be the house special? "The Az," if you will.

A meat on meat sandwich, with meat fries, and a cool meat drink.

Remind me to give you my friend's recipe for his "Pork Six Ways," which is pretty much what you just described. So delicious. Any other stuff you want to plug or perhaps a train of thought you wanted to touch on that we didn't cover here?

Nothing I can think of.

Thanks again, man!  Good luck with the book and all that.